March 16th 2008 5:15 pm
Last night before going to sleep I re-read the prologue of “Thus Spake Zarathustra”, why do I keep on re-reading the initial pages of that book again and again? Why am I stuck in that loop? and why am I unable to go through the rest of the pages?, I do not have an answer to these questions but I do know that till last night I was unaware of this situation of being stuck in a loop of re-reading, I was unaware of the fact that I am re-reading the same pages again and again, but this morning when I opened my eyes, I remember dreaming something about you. . . . I tried to re-call the dream . . . . in the dream you told me that you have been tying to read that book from the last many years and still have not finished it . . . . as you are also jammed in the same agonizing circle of re-reading. After recalling the dream I realized my current situation and I become conscious of the fact that I am going through the same pages over and over again. I have been giving some deep thoughts to my options, there are just two options
go through the same pages over and over again
or
move on and finish the book.
From past countless days I am unable to differentiate between the reality and the illusions in my head . . . . I am very confuse and completely unable to analyze the situation . .. . I have no idea as if the illusions are coming to me or am I just creating them . . . . I don’t know as if they are there or am I just forcing my self to think that they are there.
I don’t hear any voices, I don’t see ay shadows but still there is this feeling of not being able to see the complete reality, this feeling of seeing reality which is contaminated by illusions, I am scared and I am suffering . . . . I want to get out of my misery and I desire to get rid of my sufferings. . . . but I am feeble and frail and pathetic.
I was in a dark room
It was peaceful there
My soul use to breath
My eyes use to hear
My lips use to see
My mind use to feel free
Still I sought to be elsewhere
Out of the room
My curiosity cursed me
For my cowardice
And then he appeared
Out of nowhere
And did exactly what I feared
He opened the door
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